I was once accused of being obsessed with coffee. I took this accusation extremely seriously. I mean – of course I was obsessed with coffee but what was wrong with that and why would it bother people? Realistically, in terms of other possible obsessions coffee was quite an innocent substance to consume and be consumed by I thought. I told my friend that things could be a lot worse for our friendship if I had been obsessed with key rings for instance, or tea cups. I mean how much fun would that have been for her I asked frankly. She thought about it for a few moments and then continued to attack me about my coffee obsession. After listening to her carry on at lengths about my nasty habit I began to be intrigued. I asked her if she thought there were any specific characteristics a coffee-obsessed person had to have in order to fit the image of a coffee head as she called it. Apparently there were.
Coffee heads never drink instant coffee, she said. Well, to be completely honest I was quite proud of this fact that sat right at the top of her list. I mean, if anything, I would love to be remembered amongst my friends and family as the one person who would absolutely never ever be caught drinking instant coffee. So I asked her why she thought this was a bad thing. She admitted that she didn’t think it bad at all, in retrospect.
Coffee heads are not morning people, she said. Ok, well, again I would have to admit being guilty of not fitting into the criteria of usual and typical morning people. I reminded my friend that this in turn entailed that I was an excellent night person and jogged her memory of all the fantastic nights we had had together simply because I was able to push her that little bit extra due in part to the fact I was a night person and in part to the fact that I had consumed so many coffee beverages during the day that preceded.
Coffee heads get excited about new cafes opening up in the neighbourhoods…yeah, and? I muttered. My friend actually couldn’t come up with a good reason as to why good cafes in neighbourhoods were a bad thing. We moved on.
Coffee heads know lots of facts about coffee beans and coffee harvesting and the coffee trade in general. I looked at my friend with what must have been a blank expression on my face. So you are accusing me of having a thirst for knowledge of the world around me and ho it works, I asked innocently. She looked back at me with her own blank look and then her cheeks turned red and she had nothing to say. Clearly.
We ended our conversation when she admitted apologetically that she was in fact ok with having a coffee head for a friend and that I was free to continue my obsession in her company. I raised my hand and asked for our bill. She said that on the bright side she had no idea what a piccolo was before she met me and that ordering them had helped to reduce the weight around her hips which she was really grateful about. And then she started talking about another friend and their obsession with chocolate. After that day I didn’t see my friend again. Not ever. No one comes between me and my piccolo latte with any sort of judgment, no matter how cleverly disguised it may be. I am a proud coffee head. And a chocolate head for what its worth if you must know.